What is a best friend? Someone who stays by your side when no one else will. Someone you can laugh with, act silly with, and know that no matter what you do they will not judge you, and will love you. Someone who loves you enough to call out the lies in your life, and not let you stay the way that you are. Someone who always has your back. Someone who understands what you’re going through without you having to even articulate one word of how you’re feeling. They can just look at you.. and know.
Honestly, I’m not sure there is anyone in my life that I can call that. I mean, I have acquaintances.. lots of them (almost 2000 of them according to FaceBook). I thank God for the handful of people that He has brought into my life that have become my close, dear friends.
But sometimes I wonder if YOU, the one who reads my blogs, are my best friend. You know some of the most innermost, intimate feelings of my heart and mind. Writings that I don’t verbally express to the people I come into contact with daily. But YOU.. you get a glimpse of them.
I’m not a verbal processor. I’m an introverted, writing processor. And so, my friend, since I have not written a blog in a few weeks, I figured I would process with you, and let you in on what is going on…so here goes the randomness:
– Feeling overwhelmed. It’s a horrible feeling. Not one I enjoy feeling, though I feel it comes in little spurts here and there. In a way I understand Jason Russell. I understand how pouring your life into someone, and getting horrendous backlash from the people you are fighting for can drive you crazy. Sure there are a lot of unknowns in that situation, and I could discuss various theories as to why I believe he had the breakdown, but having a breakdown…I can understand that. And it gives me much more gracious eyes.
– The girls that I have been pouring into seem to be getting farther and farther away. The girls I have been fighting for in prayer seem to be getting worse and worse. I mean, it’s not gonna stop me from fighting for them, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t discouraging. I’d be lying if I said that my heart is broken minute after minute on certain days. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to check out and revert back to my world of no responsibility for the rest of my life.
– I get so happy when I see my friends and family in relationships, and in love. Getting engaged, weddings. I wonder if there will ever be a day that people will look at me and be happy for me in that way. Love is so beautiful. Pure, unadulterated love. God’s love displayed through the union of two people. It’s beautiful flowers in this world garden of weeds.
– Failed the children. I saw one of the children we work with in the slums selling flower necklaces in the red-light, and I had to hold back from bursting in tears at that very moment. I should have been more diligent in creating lessons for them. There is so much more we can do in the slums, outreach to the families there, bringing Truth to them so that they don’t send their children to work in the red-light. What if I would have limited my hours on Skype, or Facebook, and used those times to pray, read my Word, and strategize for these children that God is putting before my eyes.
– I need help. Full-time help. Praying that people’s hearts would be broken for this issue, and for the people of Thailand, Chiang Mai specifically, buy a plane ticket, and come out here to serve in whatever that looks like.
– Laughing. I really love to laugh. It’s the best ab workout too.. it really is. I miss laughing a lot, a lot. I hope laughter becomes more of a part of my life this upcoming season.
– You can’t ever force anyone to change, and you can’t get frustrated when they don’t want change. You just have to love them, and continue to pray for them. When someone is ready for change, they will seek it out truly, and will pursue it passionately. Unfortunately sometimes people have to be brought to their lowest point in order to cry out for Hope. It stinks, but so be it.
I think those are pretty much my thoughts. I do feel a bit better now. Thank you for “listening”.
I’m so thankful to God for this road that He has created my life to journey down. Though it is difficult, and though I face doubts, and trials, I would not change ANY of them.. because I know that I am in the center of His will. I know that because of this, He is strong when I am weak, and He is my joy, when I am downcast, and He is hope when it seems the waves are crashing in all around me.
He understands me when I can’t find the words to articulate or write down what I feel, He loves me when I am angry with Him, or feel unloveable. He forgives me when I make stupid mistakes, or say stupid things. He is faithful to me even when I am faithless… He gets me totally, all the time… not just once or twice a month. He truly, truly is my best friend.
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.” -2 Cor. 4:8-10